We Need More Drivers

Designated Drivers of Santa Clarita Needs More Drivers

Yes, we need two more sets of drivers! But before you get all excited and stuff, let me make it clear – I already hate you. I need you, but I don’t want you. Why, you may ask? I’ll tell you why – because my dispatcher will have to babysit your whiney tush all night like she does all my other drivers. (Except for driver Adam of course. Adam rocks flawlessly.) You won’t pay attention to your almost dead phone when we try to call or text you a customer pick up. You will forget to give dispatch the time stamps she needs so she can give accurate ETAs to waiting customers. You will ask for directions to places we have sent you to before because you didn’t make notes, even though we told you this was a frequent customer or stop. You will complain about the lack of tips, how far the call is, why we charge so little, why you have to pick up that customer again, how busy we are, how busy we aren’t, why Adam seems to be the favorite (because he is), and seems to get preferential calls, (because he does – many customers ask for him), why you don’t get TPC or Larsen’s call, (because you dress like you’re heading to a garage sale). You will inform us that you have to empty your peanut sized bladder for the third time tonight – just after dispatch gave the customer a 10 minute ETA. In the busiest time of the night you will tell us you are tired and want to go home because you have to get up early for your kid’s ball game. Your follow driver will get lost, get tired, get gas (Why didn’t you show up to work with a full tank of gas?) have to run home, stop for food, take a cigarette break, get pulled over for speeding, get into a parking lot brawl, or quit – again! Do you see why I hate you already?

What do we need?

We need teams of two who can make an iron-clad four night commitment every week for the rest of your lives or longer. We are not flipping burgers here, folks! We are a public safety service. People go out expecting us to be there when it is time to go home. We must have driver teams who are absolutely reliable. We do not put teams together. We tried that. Half the time when the phone rang is was a driver complaining about his partner. Find your own dang partner! Then when you fight or complain, we don’t have to listen – unless your follow driver pounds on the customer’s front door to ask how much he tipped the main driver. Yes, that really happened! No, that follow driver does not work for us anymore.

Who works out well?

If you are a starving Uber driver who is embarrassed and ashamed that your company gouges people when they need you the most, you may be right for us. If you are a night owl who has an unreasonable passion and desire to serve people, you may be right for us. If you are a taxi driver who is tired of apologizing for your rude dispatcher, you may be right for us. You will be severely caned though, if you drive a customer’s car like you drive your taxi. If you have no friends, no family, no relationship, no social life, no daytime responsibilities, you will be perfect for us. Our friends and friends of our current drivers also work out well because we have a sense of family among our workers.

Who does not work out well for us?

If you think this job is a great way to meet inebriated women, you will not only piss me off, they may have to mount a massive search in the river bed to find even a piece of your body. If a lady complains about you, I will side with her immediately and not even listen to your “side of the story” – unless, of course, I unknowingly sent you to pick up your ex. If you have lots of family obligations, how wonderful! We cannot use you. You will take off time from us for birthday parties, weddings, hockey games etc. We work while the world attends parties. If you “know everybody in town” you will not work out well because your friends will call you directly and pressure you to blow off dispatch and go get them now. If more than three people in the drinking public know your phone number, you will not work out. If you see dollar signs as your main reason to work for us, instead of determining to give the best service possible, you will fail.

We hire personalities.

We have zero tolerance for grumpiness, impatience, rudeness, or poor social skills. We do not rush customers. We do not complain about anything to them. We listen way more than we talk while driving folks home. We do not ask for, expect or suggest tips or gratuities. Why do I have to say this? Why? It happens, so bye-bye driver. We visit the bars and restaurants as often as possible to say “hi” and remind folks of our service. We do not, however, hound people to use us. That is tacky.

So if you are a cheerful hermit, or a single, childless orphan with great social skills and a flawless driving record, who loves watching the phases of the moon every night and gets a chuckle watching the angry type-A personalities rushing to their sucky day jobs that they hate – while you are on your way to your peaceful bed every morning, give us a call – way late in the day. Our business number is 661.313.8336. Do not call us in the morning. We are sleeping. Call after 3:00pm and before 7:00pm. If you call us in the morning we will know that you either did not read these instructions, or do not follow instructions. Either way, you disqualify yourself from consideration. See how we are?


You must be a team of two with a history of trust between the two of you. You will handle a lot of cash.

You must be able to commit to four nights every week, Friday and Saturday plus two week nights. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are open right now.

You must have a reliable car, a real cell phone, a real cell provider, preferably not AT&T. AT&T sucks! T-Mobile is the most reliable service. Verizon is OK, if you don’t mind calling everybody twice, to get through once. AT&T texts often come through hours after they were sent. Sprint sucks too.

You must be willing to follow instructions and do things our way.

You must have excellent communication skills, and know how to use your GPS.

You must have excellent social skills, a cheerful attitude, and the patience of a tree.

You must have a reliable, late model, fuel efficient car without dents or in need of paint.

You must have a flawless DMV printout. A DUI or points on your record will not be acceptable.

We dress to impress and mingle with the folks who patronize the high end establishments in town. The fine folks in the dive bars quickly forgive us if we look over dressed.

So, if I have not deterred you from calling us, come check us out. Ride with us for a night and see what our world looks like. Please do not ask us to alter any of our requirements. We know what we need and we know what works.

Have a nice day!

Mark Elsebusch

President of Intuitive initiatives LLC

DBA Designated Drivers of Santa Clarita


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lisa B
    Apr 26, 2017 @ 23:33:19

    This is the best job posting I’ve ever read. I hope it goes completely viral.


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